


Autumn.

by mishanarry



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Beautiful, Love, M/M, Suicude, hes so in love, implied major character death, its so sad ugh, my heart hurts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-30
Updated: 2014-09-30
Packaged: 2018-02-19 08:08:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2381021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mishanarry/pseuds/mishanarry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Trigger Warnings: Mentions of Suicide.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Autumn.

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warnings: Mentions of Suicide.

_Dean had come to the conclusion some time ago that Autumn was his favorite season. It wasn’t because of the soft breeze that never failed to cease, causing each oak tree to sway in a unique dance. Or because of how the sun shone through heavy colors of scattered leaves. It was because of the way he could hear mockingbirds sing. And Dean always found himself recognizing a certain song. He smiled softly when he heard it, leaning back against a familiar willow tree and humming to himself as he allowed his mind to wonder like it did whenever he came here. He was at peace, finally._

**~One Year Earlier~**

It had been seven months since Castiel committed suicide. No one saw it coming. It was one of those things where the only person who could have known was that person himself. The mask he wore was thick and painted with a beautiful smile. The smile, the one Dean always found himself gushing over, was fake and forced. And Dean hated himself for not noticing that. For not noticing that the love of his life was in so much pain. At least _it_ was painless, the way he took his life away. That seemed to be the only thing that kept Dean going, knowing that Castiel didn’t suffer through his death. But what always brought Dean right back down was knowing that he must have suffered through his life.

It had been seven months since Castiel committed suicide, and this was the first time since the funeral that Dean was able to bring himself back here.

"You didn’t deserve it." He whispered, watching as the shade of the tree moved with the sun along the crisp grave stone, "You must have been in such a dark place, Cas. But you didn’t deserve that." Dean bit his bottom lip to keep from crying out, "You didn’t fucking deserve that."

There was no response. Dean wasn’t expecting one, although the pace of his broken heart seemed to slow from the silence.

"Do you…do you remember that day we skipped chemistry, so we could listen to the mix tape I made you because you just couldn’t wait?" He let out a shaky laugh, "You-You sang to every song, Cas. It was terrible. Your voice was terrible. But I loved it. I…that tape is mine now. You didn’t mean to give it to me, but I listen to it every day. And I imagine you singing, with that horrible singing voice of yours, that I would give anything to hear again."

Dean ran his hand over his face before swallowing hard and sitting down. His eyes stared straight forward and he couldn’t bring himself to tear them away, “It really sits in. Seeing it in stone. I think that’s why it took me so long to come back here, and I’m sorry for that, for not visiting you, it just hur-” His voice caught in a sob, “It hurts so bad. I know, I know that it wasn’t the way you meant to draw a crowd. But you had such a big crowd, Cas. So many people showed up and I think that’s one of the things that hurts the most. That you never knew how many people loved you.”

Dean leaned forward and ran his fingers along the engraved letters that spelled out a name he never thought he’d see there. Ever since he received that phone call, he couldn’t help but to wonder what he should have done to prevent this from happening. Talked to him? They spent every waking moment together. Tell him how much needed him in his life? He was sure he said that at least once a day. Love him more? Impossible. He was asking questions that could never be answered.

"Help me understand." The green in his eyes were hidden behind soft pools of water, "Why did you leave me?" His body shivered as the sun began to drift away, but he didn’t care, "I was so mad at you in the beginning. I remember thinking, ‘How _dare_ he fucking leave me.’ You went away and, and I miss you so much. I miss the way you held me. I miss the way you kissed me when I was mad because you knew it was my weakness. I miss the way you spoke about birds, and how you were jealous that they could fly. I know you’re flying now, baby, but I miss you here on the ground. You told me that the mockingbird was your favorite since it reminded you of me, because of how I could sing. Whatever that meant, I miss it. I miss your voice. How you would tell me everyday that you loved me. I miss your eyes. God, I miss your eyes. I-…” He missed everything, “The worst part is, they keep telling me I’m gonna be okay. But I’m not. I’m really not. I don’t think this is something I’ll ever get over.” He sobbed, “I just have to live with it.”

Dean cried, loudly at first, then harshly as it became silent. He cried until the sun was gone and the only light came from a reflecting moon. He cried until he couldn’t anymore, and his weak body was on the verge of giving out. And then he stood again, “Whoever told you that life wasn’t worth the fight, they were so wrong. I was willing to fight with you. But it’s not my job, Cas, to try and figure this out. I love you. I am so in love with you, and that’s all that matters, my soulmate.”

He turned to leave, his heart feeling lighter as the weight he was carrying was lifted off of his shoulders. But something caused him to stop. Dean wasn’t one for believing in any sort of spirits, but he felt like something or maybe even _someone_ , had placed their hand on his right shoulder. When he turned around, nothing was there. His eyes caught Castiel’s grave again and the presence disappeared, but the rapid beating of his own heart did not.

And in the distance, a mockingbird began to sing.


End file.
